Uncomfortable Conversations

No one teaches us about death or grief. Our culture and society focus only on talking about the good times. No one is comfortable talking about the suffering or the unknown. No one prepares us for what death can put families through, the drama, emotions and the unfinished business. Death is inevitable. As much as we talk about living, we need to normalize death and grief a bit more. People are afraid to talk to you when you are grieving or don’t know what to say. Yes, it is awkward and uncomfortable, but that is why we need to start the conversation and celebrate the life instead of focusing on the loss when the time is right or not.

This past fall we gathered for another Mammoth Ski Patrol Alumni Association Fall Fiesta at San Onofre. We talked story, surfed, enjoyed the camp life, caught up with each other and of course talked about our brothers and sisters that had gone to the Great Powder Fields in the Sky. Always a humbling part of any get together when the passing’s of good friends come up. Details, do not matter, but the loving support we show each other while sitting around the campfire remembering our friends is so important to the healing process. This past fall was no different. The stories brought back the joy, happy days and memories that we hold so dear.

I hate the question, Did you hear? We have all been the recipient or the sharer of that one and bad news. It’s human nature. Cut to the chase, Dead or Alive? The thought that we have 9 lives is bit super frivolous at best. Some of us are luckier than others. There is no way to know when your walk on the planet is over. Death comes in many forms and has no timeline. Accidents, Health issues, Suicide, Acts of Compassion and Acts of God are just a few ways out. Some can be a slow and painful process. Others can strike you like lightning. Hard telling, not knowing. Enough said. How we live our lives and treat others along the way is what is important. If it sounds like I’m struggling to write, I am. So many emotions and feelings are running through my mind. I write for therapy and sometimes I share my thoughts. Sometimes I share too much. I’ve been told my writing can be cryptic and weird. I have also been told that my words inspire and give hope. Either way it feels good to get off my lazy butt and write something just before Thanksgiving and the Holidays.

I used to struggle with friends that took their lives and committed suicide. It always hurt and I wondered if I could have been a better friend or saw it coming? Was suicide the easy way out or did they just want to live their life on their own terms and kick out? Serious mental & emotional issues, substance problems and warped senses of reality are way over my pay grade and should be left to the Professionals. How could a friend do that? Don’t they know how much pain and hurt those of us left behind are going to feel? You just wish they could have reached out and cried for help. It’s way more complex than I know. I say a prayer and think good thoughts for all those left behind in the wake of a tragic passing.

Not all passing’s are tragic. Some people put up the fight of their lives and show us what the human spirit is all about. They sometimes make a bucket list and come to terms with their short time left and either spend it wisely or waste it away. The brave ones inspire me. Their positive spirit keeps them going and helps those of us they will be leaving understand how precious life really is. I learned quite a bit from a friend that whispered into my ear, that he was not going to make it. I never thought in a million years he was going to give up the fight. It prepared me for his passing and set me up to say good bye. Lucky me, I had the chance to say good bye and tell him that it was going to be all right. I was going to miss him and I loved him.

This past week an old ski patrol friend, Doug Sutherland passed away from complications with his heart. His career with the Fire Department ended prematurely due to this condition. He had learned to live with this issue and was always aware that there was only so much modern medicine could do with his condition. He loved being a fireman, father, ski patrolman and all-around great waterman. I will always remember a really big day we were out surfing together. Doug was so calm and laughed at me for being nervous. I followed him out to the outside and he lined me up to catch some pretty epic rides. We both took a beating that day and I was so thankful that he kept an eye on me and made me laugh at my fear, face it and get some killer waves. Doug was one of the good guys and I will miss this gentle giant of a man.

In honor of Doug, I encourage you to go after life with some gusto, to live life to the fullest, to find humor and the possibility in challenges that we face, to tell those around you, that you love them and to push your perceived limits so that you can truly tap into what your capable of. That’s how Doug would want us all to live and, by doing that, you will carry his spirit within you.